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of the by-products of the heroin trade is the rich,
colourful and varied literature penned by ex-addicts
and their associates. If heroin is the drug of secrets
and lies, then heroin biographers are the writers of
honesty and truth. And none more honest, true and accurate
than Jerry Stahl in his memoir Permanent Midnight.
The
book was recommended for reviewing by a mother who
said reading Jerry Stahl's account of his addiction
helped her to understand what her addicted child experienced.
I gave the book to an ex-addict to read and his comment
was: `His descriptions of using are so accurate it
made me want to use again', but the ex-addict also
said, `It is so black that anyone using would give
up hope of ever being free.'
Permanent
Midnight does all of the above. It is also bleakly
humorous, written by a man who was born with an acerbic
tongue. Seinfeld on drugs. The humour is unrelentingly
self-deprecating. Jerry Stahl has no self-esteem and
success as a writer only served to push him further
into self-loathing. This is the man who wrote the
scripts for the family TV show Alf; who scripted Moonlighting;
who was paid thousands of dollars a week for his talent
as a writer; and who had to take drugs in order to
produce on cue.
In
Permanent Midnight, he writes of himself in the writing
process of the book:
Sometimes
I feel like a writer, sometimes I just feel like a
snitch. Although in the end, the only person I'm ratting
out is myself. At this point, I don't even know the
difference between truth and shame. If it hurts if
I don't want to say it then it must be true. That's
the only compass I have.
He
describes his local McDonalds as the Narcotic Breakfast
Club where deals were done every morning in the same
window booth. He paints a picture of the Golden Arches
having a special meaning to America's stung-out citizens.
He considers his success as a writer as living a life
so fundamentally alienating in all elements that only
constant, crushing intoxication made it even halfway
livable.
Jerry
Stahl's one and only touch with the reality of the
possibility of living a drug-free life was unexpectedly
becoming a father.
At
times, I found the bleakness and constant self-deprecation
tedious. Sometimes I felt Jerry Stahl hated himself
for lacking `writing skills' to debase himself even
further. On the other hand, I could not help but marvel
at his way with words, a true artisan of language.
The black humour is achingly, heart-breakingly comic,
a unique document of one extremely talented man's
journey.
Yes,
I agree with the mother who recommended the book.
It does allow a non-user insight into what a user
thinks, feels, experiences. But how different the
scene is for everybody, addict and family, when the
user legitimately, without risk, earns $3500 a week
and complains because someone wants to pay him more.
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