The
first in a series of articles on building stepping
stones to coping with drugs in the family.
Living with a drug user can be a long and difficult
process. From the early stages of experimentation
which can cause confusion in the family (you probably
recognise the symptoms) sleeping in the day time,
staying up all night, secret bedroom sessions with
friends, secretive behaviour, eating lots of munchies,
moodiness, not talking, phone calls from strange sounding
people. Are they on drugs?... or just adolescents
acting like adolescents.
The adolescent "rite of passage" is a key time and
it is important families allow the transition by accepting
and respecting change, differences, boundaries, personal
space and seemingly bizarre behaviour. Never an easy
time and of course these days drug experimentation
may be central in the teenager's lifestyle. In "doing
the right thing" in allowing the transition time to
occur by not intervening in a controlling or directing
way we may of course unwittingly be allowing the germination
of more dangerous drug use developments.
It is a "damned if you do,damned if you don't" scenario
because coming the heavy will usually meet with resistance,
underground activity and more of the negative activity
you are trying to prevent. It is important to understand
that over 90% of all teenage drug experimenters do
not become long term users and abandon drug use as
they take on the responsibilities of adult life.
Most of you reading this article will not fall into
this category. Unfortunately you will belong to those
for whom the problems associated with drug use have
escalated.
At some point the negative impact of the drug use
will become apparent and all the worrying behaviour
can be explained. The discovery that drug taking is
the cause of the negative behaviour may raise more
fear and anxiety than that caused by the previous
state of denial.
"We knew there was something wrong, he never had any
money, looked terrible and stopped talking to us,
we even discussed drugs but he always convinced us
he wouldn't take hard drugs. We even found a needle
once and he convinced us it was his mate's diabetic
syringe. Then a summons arrived for him; I couldn't
help myself, I tore it open and discovered he was
charged with possessing heroin. What the hell are
we going to do?"
Our society, despite the prevalence of drugs, still
lives in denial. It is always someone else's problem,
nothing prepares us for the realisation that it is
happening to us. "It happened so quickly, last summer
we were a family having days at the beach (she was
having fun) normal and healthy. She went back to school
within weeks she had changed, different friends, moodiness,
ignoring me and her sisters. One day she was asleep
on the sofa and as her arm hung from the edge I saw
the needle marks."
The immediate shock gives way to a realisation of
two aspects.
-
One
of their children is a drug user:- how is this
to be dealt with?
-
This
is seen as a reflection on the parents as an individual/couple.
"Where did we go wrong?"
The other major aspect of this stage of realisation
is how little we know about drugs and drug taking.
We have read and seen the media:- simplistic messages,
stereotyping, negative labelling. Suddenly the "War
on drugs" means our children are the enemy. Anxiety
becomes our constant companion. Will they be all right?
Will they get sick? Will they die? Will they end up
in jail? Will they deal, steal, prostitute themselves?
Will they ever be the same again? Will our family
survive?
This sort of anxiety can produce severe physical,
psychological, and behavioural symptoms that can detrimentally
affect relationships. Worry can give way to chronic
stress that needs attention.
In most families these early stages take place secretly.
Shame and embarrassment are key factors and there
is a normal tendency to keep it "within the family".
Even other family members:- parents, siblings and
close friends are kept in the dark because of the
shame factor.
Next article: Reaching Out - Looking for help and
support
